Still having a modicum of inclination to spend a little more time on investigating the roller-coaster states of my monkey mind and having set some kind of boundaries to things that i no longer wish to entertain, I still have these catalogues of "plagues" to contend with. you know, you see them too. they are all out there spying for me and you.. or are they?
In fact , the more I look and the more I see that all these "obstacles " are self fabricated. It’s easier if you start looking at others situations and , as long as you neither judge nor rate any of their actions as good or bad, just simply sit and watch how something, which you think is actually fairly simple, develops into life hampering events ! take for example the birth of a baby; wonderful news, everyone, mostly, is elated, including the new proud parents. Soon though it turns into daily chores and duties and we begin to concentrate more on the perception of those chores than the baby itself. So many nappies to change, the wrong teething/colic medicine, the bad shape after pregancy, the breast feeding or not the school to choose, all suddenly become objects of obsessions which totally distract from the here and now enjoyment of the new earth citizen. But we now no longer can "do " anything, because of these myriad of things which …. hang on a minute, myriad of things or myriad of feelings about those daily gestures ? each one to make up their own mind here of what ‘s more appropriate. Then we , the happy onlooker, just think how all this can easily be solved..if the parent(s) just stop worrying for a minute,and got on with what zillions of others have done before and will, no doubt carry on doing for as long as samsara appears . ! easy, no?
Another has gathered enough resources to set themselves free from work for a while. Yuppy, we are so happy for them , they can go and practice one pointedly, you rejoice for their good fortune… hang on, what ? they are going to go… travelling ….? cant go too far from home? oh , ok ! got that one wrong too, I thought i heard them say for years they were only waiting for the right " circumstances" , what on earth else do you need to go and practice? suddenly, the simplicity of what was was sought is taken over by all the ifs and buts our deranged commputers throw at us..strange, no ?
So simple, then i ask myself, if I can "see" apparently so clearly that the obstacles others take for external , are just easily rectified by a few perception reset, what is going on in me, if I manage to turn the glass back to reflect my own story, which happens when i perceive a "great obstacle" . In my case lately it is absurdly funny. Everytime two cents hits the table, someone walks away with the 2cts? nope, you got it wrong with the whole said said table taboo !, .. not just the 2 cts ahah ! therefore I cushion myself with endless thoughts as to how i will be able to carry on "practicing " how to make both ends meet and keep others in what they are doing. After a while, it becomes obvious if I spend a little time honestly watching myself that none of these "events" are purely external. true someone may have emptied both my bag and my account in less than 2 months, but unfortunately they did not empty the most important, which is the bag full of Namthogs ( concepts, ideas) which happily , incessantly replenishes the dark corners of my mind. So guess what? …you got it, it keeps on happening.
Thankfully, karma is the most reliable" thing" we can rely upon; it’s perfectly reflecting your actions, it wears itself out when spent and never stop rebuilding as long as you put wood on its fire. So armed with these simplistic ideas, I slowly come to realise that whenever something does not "work" for me, the obstacle is always an internal one, something that I cloth with absurd pieces of exentric fabrics to make it look, good, clever or..unavoidable… but, the sad truth of the matter is that I only just carrying on churning out my own s**t .
In my previous incarnation as a naturopath, we used to say that an accurate diagnostic is 2/3 of the cure. Well I am still missing more than 1/3 of the answer of how to remedy to what i can honestly see to be true. that is , I just keep on "producing" or clinging to crap, my inner crap of fears, emotions, exaltations and laziness, so perhaps our ratio, were, ..let’say optimistic. Still, what I perceive is not from some other external source, is really nothing but my own fears. Fears mainly to abandon that which , illogically, it seems I know does not exist, yet, I cannot stop yet the habit of clinging on to it. Whatever that "it" may look like at the time.
Sometimes, it is that although i know even scientifically that I could never take that next in breath, I could just somehow believe it did not matter. It could be ignored. It could wait, until…. auspicious circumstances. ( like THE crisis earlier, ANY auspicious circumstances seem to work here too, as long as they aren’t the ones we just have .) Nevertheless, when I stop looking for something out there, although I still dont know how to turn the tide, I get a slight, just very slight feeling i may be getting more aware when I add wood to the fire. Maybe, after all it could be true and workably usable ( i love you know to twist the english language into unbearable knots) that , at the end of the day, all of this just comes as a display from the same bag….
Anyway, just some newyear , mostly senseless rumbling,